Democrats should start worrying and worrying hard. Forget the polls that show Trump is less popular than a sweaty, toothless burro in heat. Even a superficial analysis — and this is a very superficial analysis — shows that all the Democrats who have announced for the presidency – or plausibly will so – are woefully, fatally flawed. Like, first-rollout-of-the-Obamacare-website flawed. If Democrats want to avoid disaster in 2020 and not stick the country with another four years of the Orange Menace, they'd better reach deep, very deep, into their bag of miracles and come up with someone else who won’t be just a foil for Trump’s mean tweets.
By the way, none of this is meant to be taken seriously, including the offensive parts. Hence the “snark” tag.
So don't @ me.
Now, on to the cast of losers:
JOE BIDEN: Old. Really old. Like paleolithic, lives-in-a-rock-shelter old. Also, Anita Hill.
PETE BUTTIGIEG: Young. Gay. Did I mention young and gay? Also, surname begins with “butt.”
MICHAEL BENNET: Seems like a nice enough guy, but looks like he's twelve years old. Also, born in New Delhi (“Show us the Consular Report of Birth Abroad!”).
CORY BOOKER: Shaved head. Is he a senator or Lex Luther? Those eyes. “I am Spartacus!” Also, Big Pharma.
JULIAN CASTRO: Former secretary of HUD, the kiddie table of cabinet positions. Mexican-American, in case you forgot (Trump won't let you). Also, is he the one with the beard or is that his twin brother?
JOHN DELANEY: Self-made multi-millionaire financier. No way anyone is gonna blame multi-millionaire financiers for the Great Recession, amirite? Also, who?
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND: Al Franken. Also, Al Franken.
TULSI GABBARD: Has changed her mind on a few things important to Dems, like gay marriage and LGBTQ's in the military. Bosom buddies with Bashar “Barrel Bomb” Assad. Also, a statue of Shiva instead of the National Christmas Tree?
KAMALA HARRIS: Funny first name. Black, sort of. Asian, sort of. Married to a white guy, no kids. America in a nutshell — who wants that? Dated Willie Brown (eeewww). Also, sent every black kid in California to prison.
JOHN HICKENLOOPER: Bad haircut. Like, really bad haircut. He's a millionaire and can't afford a stylist? Can't remember if he's in favor of capitalism, though he got rich by founding a brewery. Also, “Hickenlooper” lmao.
JAY INSLEE: Handicapped as a campaigner by the need to carry an Amazon Kindle in one hand and a double caf no foam soy latte Starbucks in the other. Has the charisma of a wet sock. Also, 737 MAX8.
AMY KLOBUCHAR: Minnesota nice. Too nice. Just way too nice. Also, total bitch to work for.
BETO O'ROURKE: Opposed Obamacare, voted against Nancy Pelosi as Democratic leader (those are true). Also, didn't win his last election though he literally ran against the Zodiac Killer.
BERNIE SANDERS: Old. Socialist. Cranky. Has lived in Vermont half a century but still talks like he just stepped off the Fulton Street subway. Also, looks like Larry David.
TERRY MC AULIFFE: First Virginia governor to not have a picture of him in blackface leaked to the press (so far...). Closely associated with the Clintons, which can't possibly hurt in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania! Also, once wrestled an alligator for money.
ELIZABETH WARREN: That voice. Those glasses. That haircut. That earnestness. Nobody wants that. Also, Pocahontas.